Deadpool ex Machina
by moviefan-92
Summary: After the Snap and the Avengers fail to recover the Infinity Stones from Thanos, Deadpool decides to graze them with his presence and present them with an alternative solution to save everyone in a way that only Deadpool can. Of course, he can't help but have some fun and break the Fourth Wall along the way. COMPLETE


**(A/N: Ok, we've got a short one-shot here. I love the _Avengers_ movies, and wanted to write a fic on them. This... was not what I had in mind, but I'm happy with it. It was a lot of fun to write. Lets see what happens when Deadpool decides to get involved with the MCU. I wasn't sure what to classify this in, _Avengers_, _Deadpool_, or crossover, but settled on _Avengers_ since Deadpool is really just invading it.)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**"DEADPOOL EX MACHINA"**

It was over. Finished. The mission was a failure. Their last hope to save countless trillions upon countless trillions was gone. And now, they didn't know what to do.

As the spaceship settled down beside the Avengers' base, the occupants slowly, mechanically, made their way off. Each step seemed to take all the effort in the world, their body language clearly indicating that they would rather just lie down and let death claim them the way it had everyone that had been Snapped. Even the godly being Thor and the overwhelming powerhouse that was Captain Marvel seemed completely devoid of energy.

Thanos had won. Completely. The Infinity Stones were gone, destroyed. They had been the only hope of restoring all those lives lost to the mad titan. Now, half of all life in the universe had been wiped out, reduced to dust, and nothing could bring them back.

True, Thanos was dead as well now too, but there was no victory in that, not when they couldn't restore all the lives he had mercilessly taken in his cold-hearted, so-called quest to bring balance to the universe. Now the remaining members of the Avengers had to deliver the bad news to those left at S.H.I.E.L.D.

But as they made their way to the entrance of the base, a voice that was far too cheery than anyone in the entire universe had any right to be right now called out to them. "I'm guessing by the sad, sorry looks on your faces right now that the mission didn't go as you planned."

The Avengers stopped and looked around, not recognizing the voice. When they failed to pinpoint where the speaker was, he called out again. "Yoo-hoo, up here. Man, you guys must really be off your game today."

They looked up. Lying on the top of the roof's base in what seemed to be a supermodel pose was a man in a red suit that covered him from head to toe. He held up his hand and wiggled his fingers at them in greeting before sitting up and letting his legs hang down.

"How goes it?" he called down to them. "Let me guess, Thanos used the Stones to destroy the Stones. Yeah, that may have been presented as a twist or some attempt to subvert expectations, but to anyone with half a brain, it was obvious."

Thor held up Stormbreaker threateningly. "Who are you, red man?"

The costumed man in question cocked his head to the side. "Excuse me? Red man? You know, under different context, that would have sounded incredibly racist. Now heads up, I'm doing a superhero landing."

He suddenly slid off the roof, landing perfectly and easily on the ground a short distance away in what he had referred to as a 'superhero landing'. But then a hiss of pain escaped him as he rose straight up and shook out his leg.

"Yup, twisted my ankle there. That is not a practical way to land." Ignoring the ache in his ankle, he looked back at the Avengers. "To answer your question, I'm going to be your dues ex machina for today."

"He asked for your name," Captain America told him. "And I hope for your sake that you're not here looking for trouble; it's not a good time to test us. Now, who are you?"

It was hard to tell with his mask, but it seemed as if the man was going to say something, only to pause and reconsider. "Well, I was going to say, 'I'm Batman', but I already used that joke. Guess for now I'm stuck being known as that guy whose costume ripped off Spider-Man's. As for who I am, you can call me-"

"Deadpool," Black Widow interrupted. "Real name, Wade Wilson. He's a mutant who works as a mercenary. Fury's been keeping tabs on him and the rest of the X-Men."

"Bullshit!" the man called Deadpool exclaimed. He pointed at Black Widow accusingly. "Keeping tabs my ass. You only know that for exposition purposes. Also, I'm a _mutation_, not a mutant. We don't need all those whiney comic book nerds throwing a pissy fit about accuracy. And I'm not a member of the X-Men, I just happen to hang out with them sometimes." He tapped his chin. "Speaking of which, are they even canon with the MCU right now?"

The Avengers exchanged uncertain looks, not sure what to make of the mercenary, and not understanding half of what he said.

Iron Man decided to get straight to the point, not in the mood for any friendly banter. "Fine then, Deadpool, you said you're here to be our dues ex machina. Meaning what exactly?"

"Seriously?" Deadpool groaned. "No beating around the bush? And I was looking forward to going up against some Stark snark." He let out a sigh. "Fine, fine, straight to the point then. You guys tried to stop Thanos and failed, so you tried to undo what he did, but screwed that up too. Basically, you fucked up royal."

"Language," Captain America said on reflex.

"Hey, chill out, Cap," Deadpool replied. He pointed up. "This fic is rated T. That's basically a PG-13 rating. And all PG-13 ratings get one F-bomb use. But if you're gonna bitch about it, then I'll bleep out the rest of them, ok?"

He had apparently lost them again by speaking about things they didn't understand.

"This guy is certifiably bonkers," Rocket muttered.

Deadpool pointed at him. "I heard that, Sly Cooper. And people love my fourth wall breaks. But back on topic. You guys screwed up, and now half the universe has kicked the bucket. Now, ordinarily, I wouldn't give two shits about that unless it involved someone I actually cared about. And it just so happens that one of the people who got dusted was this blind broad that I have a bit of a soft spot for in a non-sexual way. Now, I could just wait, spoiler alert, five years for a rat to save the day and present to you the time travel solution, but since I'm freakin' Deadpool, I decided, #$% it." He looked at Captain America. "Was that acceptable, or is the censorship police going to get on my case?"

But Captain America was a little too distracted by what the mercenary was implying to worry about swearing. "Wait, are you saying that something can still be done to save everyone?"

"Um, cha," Deadpool stated plainly. "Check it out. Boom, baby!"

He suddenly whipped out a dark purple gem and held it up for them to see. The Avengers stared, a trickle of hope filling them. Something, some primordial instinct, told them what it was, but it didn't seem possible.

"Is that…?" Bruce asked.

"You got it, future Professor Hulk," Deadpool declared. "The seventh Infinity Stone. Doctor Strange never saw this baby coming."

"There's a seventh Stone!?" Black Widow exclaimed.

Deadpool wobbled his head. "Technically, there are nine, if you include the Eon and Death Stones. In fact, if you count the Battlerealm, we also get the Genesis, Evolution, War, and Nightmare Stones. And if you really want to get technical, there's also the Rhythm and Build Stones." He looked towards the screen. "Just a bit of data dumping for you non-comic geeks."

He turned back to the Avengers. "You'd think old Thanny would know about them with how invested he was with the Stones. He didn't even get the names right; they're Infinity Gems, not Stones." He fiddled with the one in his hand. "This little baby is called the Continuity Gem. Or Stone. Whatever the hell you want to call it."

"Where did you get that?" Captain Marvel demanded.

"A good question, person early comic book fans would get mixed up with Shazam," Deadpool stated, "but one I'm not going to answer right now." He turned back to the screen. "But if you really want to know, then you can just read the comics. _Deadpool #27_. And don't give me any BS about what's canon and what's not. I'm Deadpool, I decide what's canon, so just shut up and enjoy the story."

"Dude, who you talking to?" Rocket asked.

Deadpool looked back at him. "Someone beyond your understanding, little raccoon. Someone beyond your understanding."

Captain America was a little more concerned with the power the mercenary held in his hand. "You're saying that Stone can help us? How? What can it do?"

"Uh, damn near anything!" Deadpool declared almost mockingly. "This little baby pretty much lets me ret-con whatever I want. Basically, I can alter and rewrite events in history." He pointed at Thor. "Including making the god of thunder thighs here aim for the head the first time around."

Iron Man tried to wrap his head around this. "Wait, so you're saying you could actually-"

"Yeah, I am, T-man. I even debated using it to stop Disney from buying _Star Wars_ and leaving it up to Lucas to make the sequel trilogy, but then I remembered the prequel trilogy and thought, better not." He flipped the Stone into the air and caught it in a clenched fist. "But this time, I think I'll use it before giving it back to the editors again."

Rocket held out his hand. "Alright then, hand it over."

"Whoa, hold up there. Swiper no swiping. The only one who's going to use this baby is me. Anyone else would probably blow up or something. But I will do you the favor of fixing your screw up." He held up the Stone. "Too bad we won't get to see fat Thor though; that would have been hilarious. And three, two, one."

"Wait," said Captain America, wanting more information first.

But Deadpool didn't wait. He snapped his fingers, and there was a blinding flash of light.

The light faded, and they were suddenly at Tony's home. Nearly everyone was out of costume, and there appeared to be a celebratory party going on. What more, there were people around who the Avengers clearly knew to have been Snapped away, some they had even witnessed become dust.

The Avengers were utterly flabbergasted by what they were seeing. And then they began to feel it. Their memories were starting to get fuzzy as new memories began to take the place of the old ones due to altered events.

"Now this is what I'm talking about!" Deadpool declared as he waltzed up to the Avengers with his arm around a very confused looking Peter Parker. "Lets party down!"

Iron Man, or Tony Stark as he was more commonly referred to out of costume, shook his head as he stared at Peter, new memories and fading old memories contradicting each other. "Kid?"

"Um, hi, Mr. Stark," Peter said, glancing uneasily at Deadpool, who was holding him a little too close for comfort. "I'm not entirely sure what's happening here…"

"It's a party, Spidey," Deadpool told him. "Enjoy it." Then he lowered his voice and whispered in his ear. "Look, this version of you is a little young for me right now, but give me a call in a few years if you feel like experimenting; I'll really make your Spidey Sense tingle."

Peter's eyes darted left and right, as if looking for a way out. "Um, I'm not-"

A cell phone suddenly rang, and Deadpool whipped his out, revealing that it was his.

"Hold that thought," he told him, and answered the phone, holding it up to his ear. "Yellow… Yes, this is your friendly neighborhood Deadpool…" He winked at Peter. "As a matter of fact I did. Made it so Thorsy aimed for the head… What…? What…?"

He took his arm off Peter, now looking annoyed through his mask. "Well then what was the point in letting me have the Continuity Gem, sorry, Continuity Stone if I can't screw with the continuity…? So what, movie studios lose money all the time… Oh, come on, we all know that _Endgame_ only beat _Avatar_ because it was released twice; James Cameron should still hold the crown in that area. Disney also probably bought a bunch of seats to try and flood the box office; they did the same thing for the _Captain Marvel_ movie, and they got caught… Oh, bullshit! And no, I'm not going to bleep that one out; I already used it twice, so I don't care if the PG-13 and T rating only allow the use of the S word once. I've had it with these monkey-fighting censors in this Monday to Friday fic. I actually think I've been doing a good job at keeping things clean."

The Avengers could only hear Deadpool's side of the conversation, but they had a feeling that even if they could hear the whole thing, they would still be equally as confused, so they simply let the mercenary rant at whoever was on the other line.

A deep groan finally escaped Deadpool. "Alright, alright. If I change everything back and let your long ass movie happen, will you please stop bitching…? Yes, yes, just like I never came, and then your big Phase Three epic finale can happen. And by the way, changing Thanos' motives from wanting to impress Mistress Death to wanting to 'balance the universe' may have made him more complex, but it if you actually stop and think about it, it makes no sense."

Without waiting for a response, he angrily hung up and turned to the Avengers. "Ok, so, bit of bad news. Apparently, the higher ups are a little PO'd that they're not going to get their big moneymaking _Avengers: Endgame_ movie, so they're making me butt out. Normally, I wouldn't give a damn, but I know that they're going to ride my ass on the matter this time until I do. So, I'm just going to get back to my series, and I'll let you get back to yours."

When he pulled out the Continuity Stone, Captain America suddenly got the feeling that something very bad was about to happen. "Wait, what are you about to do?"

"Well, Cap, I'd explain it to ya, but you're not gonna remember any of this for very long anyway. So I'm just gonna peace out." He looked off screen. "But first I think I'll pop over to the DC universe and see if I can hit up Harley Quinn. I could really use a good psychiatrist. Hashtag, DeadQuinn a.k.a. HarleyPool forever."

He turned around and smacked his rear. "By the way, Cap, _this_ is America's ass. Ciao, sweeties."

He snapped his fingers, and there was another flash of light before everything faded to black and the word _FIVE YEARS LATER_ appeared.

**THE END**

**(A/N: What, you were expecting a serious story? Come on, it was Deadpool invading _Endgame_, what did you think was going to happen? If this subverted your expectations, you only have yourselves to blame, 'cause this is Deadpool we're talking about. All joking aside, I hope you got a laugh out of this, and I'll see you next time.)**


End file.
